Thursday, January 17, 2013
Find Your Worth
The idea of assigning worth to people and our selves in the same way we assign worth to things is discussed. I have often thought that the idea of gaining happiness by acquiring anything is false. Be these things possessions or accomplishments, if we are not happy in ourselves when we then attain the prize the mind just points to something else that it believes is missing as the root of our unhappiness.
It goes with what I have told myself for years but not been able to achieve that one chooses to happy and chooses to be healthy and then is so. We also see this in children no matter where they live or what they have they can be happy. It is not till later after learning about things or as stated by developing ego that they start assigning happiness to external factors.
The author discusses the outcome of low self worth and esteem on the individual actions and relates this to her own life. By doing so she makes me look back at my life and I am asked to see how it might affect me.
For me it as always been about smart, intelligence and the fact that I have always, in latter life been told that I am smart by others. It is not that I think I am dumb but I do not perceive that I am smarter than others. The work I do and way I do it are things I have learned and in my thoughts can be done by anyone who tried.
While thing about this part of the book I am lead to looking at what role my stammering might of played in this. I remember always being teased, tormented by others about it and while I would not allow myself to show outwardly the hurt it caused in did hurt. It is interesting to note that while I do not remember the kids stating that I was stupid by the way I spoke I feel that is what was meant.
Did this have a direct impact on my self worth and esteem. How could it not but I still do not want to give this power to them by admitting it even now.
The book goes on to describe differing types of behavior that a person may perform that would show lack of self worth and even shows how this is a type of self punishment. What gets me is that she is correct that this type of punishment of oneself is worse than the punishment of others.
The writer has a couple of statements about evolution and the soul’s of animals that still give me a bad feelings for different reasons. I am not an evolutionist, this is not because my religious beliefs so out weigh my scientific mind but I honestly believe that evolution has not meet the criteria to be installed as a truth above all others. I have read Gerald Massey great works on Natural Genesis and seen the historical records posed by evolutionist in school but it as never swayed me. As for the soul’s of animals well that of course is my religion coming through. However I will deal with that later. At present I can see no reason why these two items can not be reconciled.
I have for years, can never remember when I was not a procrastinator. I have read many books and articles on the subject and tried many time management systems to be able to control this in me. But nothing as ever worked. What I have learned till now is that this behavior is about controlling others or just to achieve a feeling of control. I have often thought and even been questioned by my wife how this might give even a false sense of control. And while at times I see how it might at others it just appears so irrational.
The point is I have never thought that this behavior might be a form of punishment. However if one new how much I have lost both in financial gain and peace by not doing things when I should and how much pain it as cost me, my loved ones, and friends one can easily see it as a type of self punishment.
Later in life even now there is something else that I noticed but can not fathom and that is a recent trend of biting my lips, gums and the inside of my mouth. This biting so hard as to draw blood and cause pain. Again I have always thought of this solely as a nervous tick but could it be punishment.
The author suggests these types of behaviours as a type of self destruction.
Interesting to her dealing with depression and suicide as I have been treated for depression based upon the fact that I have no feeling of happiness and sometimes constant thoughts of suicide. My only saving factor I believe is my darling, long suffering wife of many years.
The author writes that “before you project an emotion outwards, you must first experience it, and know it on the inside.” Trust, compassion, patience and love of others can only be truly felt of others if you are trusting, compassionate, patient, and loving with yourself. The first thing that comes to mind is that loving one’s self is frowned upon in this world. By loving yourself you are shown to be self-centered, egotistical …etc, etc. Is this so? Can we have genuine love for others without having it for ourselves. It is scary to think not, I love my wife, my children however I believe I do not love myself. Maybe the words are wrong, or the feelings. Who is to say?
- No I do not love myself.
- No I do not feel 100% worthy. I do not feel unworthy, well not all the time but to feel 100% worthy would mean that everything I now have I have earned or have the right to have.
- Yes I appreciate my success.
- Graduating from college.
- Working in a field I love. 😉
- My family life.
- No I do not associate my material worth with my self-worth. I though feel that others do and I try to live up to some expectation of my family and friends.
- No I do not believe that I feed my ego with my successes.
- I am stupid, unreasonable, not worthy, I should not be my relationship, that my wife and family would be better off without me.
- Yes I punish myself both mentally and physically.
- No I do not define my worth in by how others see me or feel about me. I do like them to be happy with me though. Matter of fact I strive to make everyone happy and I have read and been told that this may not be good and shows a fault in my own thinking. Always wanting others approval. So knows if what I think or write is correct.
- What have I learned it this chapter.
- my procrastination may have another cause instead of a need for control and may answer some questions I have never been able to find regarding why I procrastinate so much.
- my biting and general bad physical treatment of myself could also be self-punishment.
- I must first feel trust, compassion, patient, and love for myself before I can truly show it others. (this may be a battle)